Gotta get my brain back into writing mode for a paper. So I figured I would give a bit of an update.
We are getting ready to pick orders. Like, tomorrow. We are still weighing the pro’s and con’s of moving back east versus staying in San Diego, dependent of course upon what jobs are available where. Long term, we’d like to be a days drive from my parents in South Carolina. I am going to spend some time here talking about our reasons for staying and going to order them out in my head a bit.
(Numbered to keep things orderly, not by importance necessarily)
- Schools. (Ok this one is pretty important) Ray will be kindergarten age this year (HOLY BALLS) and you may not know it, but California is pretty much the ass end of everything for school quality. Really really really really not good at all. I would like to send the boys out for school, but for many reasons homeschooling is still a serious option. We would KILL for an affordable Waldorf school. Really. Anyhow this could be a blog post in and of itself but the schools here worry me. I figure if we do stay a few years it won’t be terribly harmful, how bad can they fuck up the first few years of school? And it’s not like I can have a job/afford daycare here so keeping him home for that time would not be a world-ender. But long term, if we are not homeschooling, we do not want to be here.
- Price. It is asspensive to live in SoCal. There are expensive spots out east but we are not aiming for big cities.
- Location. This terrain is not home to me. The beach is nice, but kind of nightmarish to get to. The weather is fantastic here, but the neighborhood kills me. I am 200% outsider and I look it. Between my looks and the high turnover rate people can be pretty stand-offish. It is a nice neighborhood but not a ton of community. The geography does nothing for me. Our neighborhood is completely landscaped and we are fenced off from the canyons or any real nature. I need trees and forests. FORESTS. WANT. Desert just does not do it for me in the same way.
- Family. Almost none here, at least that we see ever. The majority of my family is spread across the east coast. Hubs parents are there, but them. Meh. Losing my grandpa in 2010 has really lit the fire of my desire to live near my parents. Within a few hours would be best. I would live across the street from them, they are Good Family. Not all up in your biz. They have their own lives. I grew up living a few hours from my grandparents and it nurtured a wonderful relationship with them. My kids and my parents already have an amazing relationship and I feel it is very important to nurture that. All the issues I had with my parents growing up (not many, truly) will not even be factors because they aren’t raising my kids. And I am in a place where I get along with them REALLY well. I have for years now. They have relaxed a ton since my terrifying (for them) teenage years.
- The Great Commune Idea. I really want a little bit of land. Some goats, chickens, veggie garden and room for the kids to run. Physical labor and that bone-deep feeling of accomplishment for doing productive with your own two hands are vital to our mental health. Hubs and I are both ADD (him) and ADHD (me) and I think it would be incredibly soothing and fulfilling for us. I don’t want to waste our lives working ourselves to the bones for the profit of others, missing out on all the good things like time with family and friends, creating, thinking, LIVING. This still has to wait until we are out of the military but I want to have some of these things sooner.
- Job stuff. House stuff. If we are going to end up east anyways, I feel like it would make our final leaving-the-navy move hella easier if we are already in the general vicinity. It will be more affordable for all involved and I believe will open up our options with networking and the ability to visit a wider array of possible jobs/locations ahead of time.
- Friends. This is the tough one for me. On the one hand, I do have online friends littered all over the country. But of course, we already have a number of friends here. There are only a few that really concern me as far as leaving, however. My dear friend J, well she probably won’t be here that much longer either. K, well…things have been distant with her for a while. Her crew is family to us, but I don’t feel held here by their presence. We’re not THAT close or interlinked anymore, which genuinely saddens me quite often. Then there is S. My soul mate. My beloved. She already lives over an hour away, and we hardly see each other. Once a month when we’re lucky, and even then we don’t always have much time to hang out and talk and just relax. I would probably end up seeing her more total hours if we lived far enough to warrant a long weekend trip or something. Oy.
That is pretty much it. I guess I didn’t make much of a case for staying here. You can see where my head is at! The bonuses of staying here would be further stability for the kids. Moving sucks ass. We already have friends and support here and will finally have some time (hopefully) to do things together as a family that we have been missing out on. But we can be a family anywhere. Moving is kind of exciting (house-hunting, WEEEE!) and will give us a chance to deep cleanse our possessions and cull down the hoard. I don’t know. I really don’t.
In other news, I am still piecing apart my leaving-religion-behind journey. I am finally coming to terms with the ways that it shaped my childhood and yes, poisoned my mind. I am not going to make a case here for all religion being evil mind-control or any of that (although I believe it can be, in many ways) but more that it can be incredibly toxic for young children indoctrinated with it. Well-meaning parents think they are giving their children something comforting and positive, but for some of us, it is a lot of fear, guilt and anxiety to deal with. I very often felt silenced, inherently bad, and like my ideas and thoughts held no water against the well-rehearsed dogma I was fed. The toll taken on me as a sexual being has been drastic. My marriage was affected…and now here I am, living the life of an adult but experiencing a lot of the inner turmoil and discovery of a teenager. Only now am I able to experiment, learn, try on different persona and get a handle on what is me and what is my upbringing stomping around in my head. My world-view has been completely up-ended and reality has shifted since I began this path away from the bible, messianic Judaism, and the savior.
There are still some problem areas but I feel strongly I can come to grips with them through proper research and reading. It has actually changed my view of my parents for the better. I put off a lot of this because I was worried about how my feelings for them might change. I don’t want to hate them, or even be angry with them, because I know, I know, I know that they did their very best for me. I know that in this area they had nothing but the best of intentions. Between understanding these things, and visiting them in December, I realized something incredible.
In my head, my parents are 100 feet tall. At least, when I imagine bringing up something I think they will disagree with. I had a small run-in with them during my visit. One of the boys pooped in the tub and I was getting it cleaned up. My brother had taken the boys to the other bathroom for a hose-down while I ran out to the kitchen to get paper towels and bags. While out there, my dad asked me “So what is Occupy really about? What do they stand for? I don’t get it.”. I quickly rattled off the quickest explanation I could think of. My mom is listening to all this and decides to jump in with her debate gloves on and starts hammering me with her arguments. (My mom needs to find a debate team and join it. She LOVES apologetics and arguing her point like this. It’s not a personal thing, generally, and you can see that I got a lot of it from her but I am just better at writing it. Not quick enough to verbally argue.) Completely flustered and triggered, I argue with her for a moment before nearly losing my cool because this is NOT the time for this. I half-yelled as I rushed out of the room, “I do not want to argue about this and I really, really do not have time for it right now. I am trying to clean POOP out of the TUB.”
I started my cleanup of the bathroom and spend a good deal of time furiously scrubbing at the muck and stains on the old ceramic tub. I was pissed. Not shaking and crying mad, but pretty well blown away that they would really start some shit with me RIGHT then. After a bit my mom came in and apologized for starting the argument with me. She told me my dad was honestly curious and seeking information and she jumped right in without thinking. She gave me a hug. Well, I thought I was blown away before but now I am FLOORED. My parents backing down from a fight? NO WAY! When I came out, having finished the excavation my dad apologized as well, and restated that he really was just looking for info, not a fight. I sat down and he and I talked about it a bit more, and even discussed the GOP candidates briefly and everything stayed really mellow, civil, and enjoyable.
I still believe they have changed a bit, having learned from some of their mistakes with me. But I feel like my anxiety and fear really kept me from pushing back at them in ways that would have benefited us all as a teen. But I also feel that not being in the tight-knit synagogue family for a few years has relaxed them, allowed them to breath without having that community pushing them to do or be anything that they don’t feel they need to be. Kind of like being away from them a few years gave me time to grow and mature my own understanding of the world and beliefs.
Anyways, I really need to whip up on this paper now that my writing hat is on. I need to get back into this habit, there are so many things rushing through my mind these days that I can barely order them enough to talk to anyone about them.
Until next time, burn on my friends. (Oh oh oh we signed up for Burning Man tickets. The big drawing is at the end of the month. Cross your fingers for us!)
